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To protect their privacy I will call the first cat, "Cat One", and the second cat, "Cat Two". Cat One: As you know, Mr. Sleazy. Sleaze Report (SR): That's Sleaze Report. Cat One: Whatever, we want you to investigate the squirrels. Cat Two: That's right. Cat One: We got a nice thing going here. The barking dogs don't bug us much, the screaming bluejays and the obnoxious crows are nice appetizers when we want to catch them. Cat Two: I never knew we had bluejays and crows for appetizers. None of the other cats ever told me about that. Cat One: (Whispering to Cat Two) Shut up, do you want these humans to think we're incompetent and lazy. Cat One: (Turning back and talking to SR) Well, anyway, Mr. Slimeball... SR: That's Sleaze Report. Cat One: Whatever....anyway, after a long hard, grueling morning of hunting for our food and water dishes, and I'm telling you that's not easy because we never know what dangers we'll face or where the food and water will be... Cat Two: I thought the bowls were always in the same place...I can find mine all the time....if you need help let me know..... Cat One: (Whispering to Cat Two) Shut up and let me talk before this idiot human thinks we're crazy. Cat One: (Turning back to SR) Now, Mr. Sleazeball... SR: That's Sleaze Report. Cat One: Whatever. Here's the problem. After, like I said, a hard morning of whatever, we cats like to have a bit of a nap. And it's not easy finding the perfect nap site...... Cat Two: It is for me. I can nap anywhere. If you need help finding a nap site....... Cat One: (Smacks Cat Two and screams) Shut up. I'm the spokescat here. You can be the spokescat next time we have to waste our time talking to a stupid human. Cat One: (Turning back to SR) Now, Mr. Slimey..... SR: That's Sleaze Report. Cat One: Whatever. Here's the problem When we finally find a perfect place to take a nap outside those mean old squirrels come down and make funny noises at us. This not only wakes us up but I believe those squirrels are insulting us. Those cowards only come down to about five or six feet above the ground and when we try to persuade them to change their ways they run back up the tree. Cat Two: (Interrupting) Yeah, yeah, tell him about that time you jumped at that one squirrel and got stuck on the side of the tree about six feet up. I remember you looked up and then down at the ground and then up and then down at the ground and then up and then..... Cat One: (Whispering to Cat Two) Will you shut up??!! You won't ever get to be a spokescat until you learn to shut up!!! Cat One: (Turning back to SR) Now. Mr. Sorry Sleaze.... SR: That's Sleaze Report. Cat One: Whatever. We want you to investigate those squirrels and tell us what their plans are. SR: The game's about to start. Go away. Cat One: If you don't do us this favor we'll bring dead mice to your door every morning. Cat Two: (Whispering to Cat One) Where are we going to find dead mice? They're not easy to come by, you know, I mean it's not like we own a pet store or something. SR: (Hoping to avoid further conflict) If you cats quit bugging me I'll find out what the squirrels' plans are. The two cats ambled away and the next day the Sleaze Report made plans to investigate the squirrels. First I put them under surveillance. I learned how to do this by watching all the people who use to follow me around, even the girls at the Main Post Office in Portland, Oregon until they got tired of the foolishness. But the squirrels didn't do much. They did continue to bug the cats, though. I decided I would have to try out an even MORE BRILLIANT plan, so I stuck a tape recorder in my back pocket. Then I went out and bought an intensive "How to Talk to Squirrels" tape. I soon could speak squirrel enough to ask a few questions. Then one day when it wasn't raining I climbed a tree. I had forgotten my super-secret tape recorder and so I climbed back down. I then called it a day. I waited patiently for another day when it wasn't raining and then went outside and climbed a tree. This time I remembered to bring my super-secret tape recorder. As I climbed the tree the squirrels were at the very top and they threw little broken tree limbs and nuts down at me. But I was not going to be deterred. I found a somewhat comfortable perch and I waited patiently. Finally, after the squirrels had run out of things to throw at me a couple of them came closer. To protect their identities I will call the first squirrel "S1" and all other squirrels "AOS". S1: Did you bring your super-secret tape recorder with you? Sleaze Report (SR): Yes. AOS: Did you bring any nuts with you? SR: No. Can I ask you guys some questions? S1: I guess it's ok. It looks like you're not going away until we answer a few questions. And we need you out of this tree. We don't want our baby squirrels to see you. It might be such a horrible experience for them that we might not be able to teach them how to steal nuts. SR: What's your plans? AOS: (In unison (do they practice this?)) Plans????!!!! We're squirrels......we do squirrel things. Are you an idiot? SR: The cats don't like you guys teasing them. They want me to find out what your plans are. S1: We plan on being squirrels. Are you an idiot? SR: Are you guys going to continue bugging the cats? S1: That's what we do. That's part of our job. You know, bugging cats. Are you an idiot? I got the info I needed so I thanked them for their time and climbed down the tree. As I was walking towards the backyard from the frontyard the cats ambled up to me. Cat One: Did you find out the squirrels' plans? Cat Two: (Interrupting and whispering to Cat One): I thought you said I could be spokescat next time. Cat One: (Whispering back to Cat Two) You can.....NEXT TIME....but this is this time....not NEXT TIME. When NEXT TIME comes then you can be spokescat. But this is THIS TIME, not NEXT TIME. Remember, you're the spokescat NEXT TIME. SR: (Interrupting the dialectic musings of the cats) I'll type out a report and give it to you tomorrow. Cat One: We're cats. We can't read. Are you an idiot? I knew the cats were going to bug me until I told them all about the results of my strenuous and brilliant investigation. SR: Ok, Ok. Here's their plans. They plan on being squirrels and they plan on bugging cats because it's, like, part of their job. Cat One: Well, that's pretty stupid. SR: What do you expect? They're squirrels. Cat One: Will you kill them for us? If you do we cats will always love and respect you. SR: No. The squirrels are not bugging me. They're bugging you cats. Now go away and quit bugging me. Well, it's time for the Sleaze Report to publish another brilliant investigative piece from the Sleaze Report's Department of Brilliant Investigations. |